Tonight I am sitting down and finally having some time to gather my own thoughts in quietness. The naughty little one has gone to sleep early. Things have also finally settled somewhat at work. It has been relentless in the past few months. Today, close to 4pm when the deal was finalised, I just sat in my chair and stared into space for about 10 minutes. For the first time in weeks I felt like I could let my mind rest.
My, has it been a big year.
Apart going back to work part-time in a new team where the environment is constantly challenging, we also kicked a few big personal goals. We designed a new house and signed a building contract. We moved out into an interim house and demolished the old one. We travelled and flew four times (unplanned) – three times with the kids. The kids saw their great grandmothers from both sides of the family, and played with snow for the first time. We witnessed close friends getting married. I became Australian. I started a blog and got my first article published.
I then started reflecting on the friendships and relationships that I have started to build and share with some remarkable women in my life in the past year; some continuing, some only just budding. Each with their own life story, their personal victories, their personal struggles. From the one who tries untiringly to get pregnant, to the one who built a successful career but feels at guilt for not spending enough time with her child, to the confident one who is happy to be by herself, to the one who got pregnant and tried to do everything the natural way, to the one who always makes parenting seems so easy and wants to have everything under control, to the one who is contented to put her career on hold for a few years while raising her young ones, to the one who is supporting her family financially while her husband takes the responsibility of caring for their child.
The one thing that bonds us together is that we are all modern women, trying to make sense of our own role in a society that is rapidly changing. On a daily basis we do what we need to do to get through the day, but in our minds we are having constant battles trying to reconcile the ideals with which we were brought up, where the traditional role of the women are to be dutiful wives and mothers, to the very expensive world we live in now where women are also expected to share the financial responsibility of raising a family. We are more educated and given a lot more opportunities than our mothers so we feel like we should not be wasting them.
What if you work too much that you will not get to spend time with your children in their best years? What if you do not work enough that you are not able to save up the funds for yours and their future? What if you work too much now and leave getting pregnant to much later that you have missed the opportunity to have a child? What if putting your child in daycare from three months onwards leave them permanently scarred? What if you give up your career now to care for your children and find that 5 years you are no longer about to catch up in the workforce?
It is a constant challenge. The struggle to find the perfect balance never stops. We work just as hard, some would argue harder, but sometimes we ourselves and others of the same gender doubt our own capabilities. For each of these women I see their self-doubts, but I also see their strengths and I admire them for it. How each of them chooses to deal with the situation in their lives provides me with the context to help me find the balance in mine.
So thank you. I thank you for your friendship and for sharing your stories with me and for helping me see the various angles in every situation. I appreciate it with all my heart. I just hope that by sharing mine I am able to do the same for you.
Signing out now. I had to type this out as I was thinking it but even the untroubled mind needs to sleep now.